"Christmas! The very word brings joy to our hearts. No matter how we maydread the rush, the long Christmas lists for gifts and cards to bebought and given, when Christmas Day comes there is still the same warmfeeling we had as children, the same warmth that enfolds our hearts andour homes." -Joan Winmill Brown

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I am feeling a bit guilty at how long it's been since I've written....I got so focused on getting things ready for Christmas and meeting up with friends that I barely had the time or energy to write. The great news about all of this is I felt much better after treatment #2 to carry on with life.
I am so fortunate to have my dad here for the month that he has been able to do a few things around the house and help with the boys that I was able to head to school on the last day to give my kids and colleagues a Christmas hug, go on a couple of lunch dates, do some last minute shopping, get my presents wrapped, and in between all that, rest up.
My energy feels a bit lower and I seem to only have 4-5 hrs in me to be out but other than that I didn't have the severe heartburn as last treatment and my appetite was almost normal- even more than usual. There were days I could have eaten all day. I'm told the steroids may be the cause of that, although the Christmas seasonal treats everywhere I went didn't help either.
I'm generally feeling well however my patience and moodiness aren't what I'm known for, lately. My reputation of "pooping rainbows" isn't exactly my mood these days, especially when I'm tired. My leg pains came back in my left leg. A very achy throbbing pain I can't seem to get rid of once it starts. It started on day 6 after treatment and carried through to day 14, just like the previous time. I had an ultrasound at my last doctors appointment to be sure there wasn't a blood clot (another side effect to watch for) and my vessels looked good so that makes me feel much better. My hair is completely gone other than a few lingering pieces. I'm not able yet to look at myself in the mirror. Not because I'm that vain, although don't kid yourself-losing one's ginger locks is slightly traumatizing for someone known her entire life as "that girl with the red ponytail". I know it will grow back. It really solidifies that I am not a picture of health these days. Loni and I have really tried hard, unconsciously and consciously, to keep carrying on life as we know it. Suppers, hockey, play dates, concerts, bunko nights, splurge groups, birthday gatherings, work, "to do" lists- all the things that keep us moving forward and filling in the calendar months ahead. However, we're all familiar with the general appearance of someone going through chemo, and it's still hard to believe that someone is ME...??? I'm not quite ready to look that person in the eye. And really I'm not so sure I even have to? Every hour of everyday, I tell myself - I'm good. I'm strong. This is noth'en. - And I literally visualize my good cells punching the heck out of little weakling cancer cells. Then I carry on with what I'm doing. I am so thankful I have been able to carry on and do the things I love to do while hearing multiple times, " Who does your hair?" "Wow, you're hair has really grown." A girl with her first wig cannot hear that enough times. My son's paediatrician, after sharing with him my predicament, had such a look of shock on his face. He actually started writing down my diagnosis. "So you had a clear mammogram in May? Then in October you were stage 3? And now you've had 2 chemo treatments? Well... well...you look like you're handling this really well!!?? You look really good..??" He seemed so confused and amazed, I walked out of there with my head pretty high.
As I head into week 3 after treatment #2, I look forward to feeling a little more like myself as my body builds up strength for treatment #3. I'm still in awe of the cards, gifts, and treats that friends and acquaintances keep sending. The extra hugs and notes I get as I run into friends and family of my close friends who know what I'm going through and want to wish me well.
I hope all of you know how much it brightens my day and how much I appreciate it. I think the most overwhelming has been the response to my blog. I've been really getting sassed the last couple days about my delay in a new post. I promise to share more in the days ahead as regular routines get back into place after Christmas festivities.

"Well, I'll admit I've had to polish myself off once or twice, but yes! When I RSVP to a party I make it my business to come." - Samantha Jones

Many are asking my husband as he is out and about, "How is Chan doing?" We are both happy to say, "Better than expected!"

Accessing my port for the first time for my treatment wasn't the best moment of my life but I made it through. After treatment #2, on Friday, I was able to sleep well for the first 2 nights, rest throughout the day, eat a couple of healthy meals, get to part of my Bunko night, say hi at a Christmas party, and take Lukas to the Christmas Celebration at the museum. Not bad for a girl who just had her second chemotherapy ;).

Thanks to my hubby, Deb, and my dad for taking extra time to spoil the boys and getting them out of the house for a hotel sleepover so I could rest and also spread some Christmas cheer.

My 2 hrs of sleep Sunday night might catch up with me today, but I have started to see what may be some of my reactions that may become part of my routine. Insomnia is a fairly common side effect partially from the steroids, partially from my mind trying to anticipate my next reaction so I can try to get to it before it gets me, and partially because we haven't had a completely healthy family at the same time for over 3 weeks amongst any of us.

I am really missing my kids at school. Hoping they are being respectful, kind, courteous, hard working. All the things they promised me in their beautiful letters they wrote me. I'm finding it really hard to not be there after the terrible events on Friday in CT to talk with them and help them feel safe.

I'm also missing the excitement Christmas brings in a school. The Christmas carols playing on our intercom in the morning when I enter, treats on the staff room tables, hearing of my kids holiday plans... Hoping to be there for the pancake breakfast for a hug and a pancake before everyone leaves.

"It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you get hit and keep moving forward. It's how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is won." - Rocky Balboa

My third week after chemo had 3 focusses:
1. Get comfortable going in my wig in public
2. Stay out of shopping malls 
3. Rest up for next chemo treatment

I'm happy to say, I think I accomplished all three of those goals! I was able get my wig adjusted which made it much more comfortable on my head.  The ladies at the Pink Tree, http://www.pinktree.ca/ are really awesome and very friendly.
My teaching friends, had some fun with my wigs, referring to them as my alter egoes, and went so far as to name them.  My long red wig is Scarlett, and my short bob cut brown one is Meg.  I love the names and it helped me to feel more comfortable about wearing them and have some fun with it.
A highlite of the week was having a nurse ask me if I was going to lose my hair from the chemo and being able to tell her that I already did, and that I was wearing a wig.  She and 2 other nurses crowded around me in shock that "Scarlett" was a wig...YAY!

Staying out of the malls was easy...my friend Deb and I went for pedicures, lunch, and to the Pink Tree, where we got my wig adjusted and tried on hats.  Deb spolied me - AGAIN - and bought me 2 hats.  I know that as I get more comfortable with the hair loss, I'll probably get more comfortable wearing just a hat, especially in public, but not there yet.  The two I got will be a good start though and will be great for around the house - these wigs are ITCHY.  I also visited with my frind D.Q.  My long time friend who has beat cancer with the ease and grace that I hope to as well.  She is full of great advice and knowledge that I appreciate so much.  I thought I'd share some of it it publicly, in case it would be helpful to others.......

"     *Go for as many massages as you can fit in. If you don't have an excellent RMT, I do. But be sure and  

             tell them you have cancer.

       *Lauren Straub is a really good acupuncturist. Acupuncture is extremely relaxing and boosts your

             immune system.

        *I went to a friend and then later a woman just off 13th Ave.for Reiki. Similar benefits to acupuncture.

        *You may want to go see a naturopath. The one I went to see (after I was done my treatments) was in

             Moose Jaw but my friend went to see a female naturopath in Regina.

         *Nature's Best on 14th Ave. has a juice and smoothie bar. Their smoothies are delicious and packed

                with nutrition. If you can handle it, they also have a juicer and make very healthy juices. It's all

               organic and healthy.  "

 

I also got to spend time this week going to my son's first school Christmas concert.  That was very awesome.  He has grown up and matured so much since going to school.  Everyone knows how shy and anxious he's been in crowds and with strangers, since he was a baby, but he handled 2 concerts like a pro.  He got up there and sang all his words, did all his actions, and did not batt an eye.  We were so proud of him.  I cannot be happier with the choice we made for his school.  Such a lovely group of positive, supportive teachers.  I attended my own school's Christmas concert as well.  J.W. did a great with our grade 8's writing and performing their annual rap song. It was great to see my students.  And so many parents stopped in to say hi and give me a hug.

 

I spent some time this week getting a port put into my chest.  It wasn't as pain free as I had hoped it would be but it will be best long term.  I can now have chemo and get blood taken fron this port rather than being poked all the time in my arms and hands.  I again met some fantastic nurses who took great care of me, and a very friendly doctor who explained the procedure very well and seemed very confident.  It was a very busy place with patients coming and going for various procedures.  And everyone was so friendly and positive.  My nurse, Jackie, gave me a big hug when I left and wished me well.

 

My husband spent a combined total of 7 hours in waiting rooms  this week for my check ups and procedures.  Although there were lots of yawns, he never complained once or looked irritated.  One never knows when she is choosing her life long partner how good of a team you'll be in the rough patches, and luckily we have not had many, but this one is a doozy.  He is the absolute best.  As my friend, T.S said, "He's a rock."  and he is. 

 

I'm off today for chemo treatment 2.  My check up yesterday went well. 

I am still trying to grasp an understanding of the following... We know now that I am HER2 positive.  Genes contain the recipes for the various proteins a cell needs to stay healthy and function normally. Some genes and the proteins they make can influence how a breast cancer behaves and how it might respond to a specific treatment. Cancer cells from a tissue sample can be tested to see which genes are normal and abnormal. The proteins they make can also be tested.

 

HER2 (human epidermal growth factor receptor 2) is one such gene that can play a role in the development of breast cancer. Breast cancers with HER2 gene amplification or HER2 protein overexpression are called HER2-positive in the pathology report. HER2-positive breast cancers tend to grow faster and are more likely to spread and come back compared to HER2-negative breast cancers. But there are medicines specifically for HER2-positive breast cancers. I am double negative HER2 which means that the growth of the cancer is not supported by the hormones estrogen and progesterone.  Therefore, my breast cancer will respond to some hormonal therapy that target HER2 receptors, such as Herceptin (chemical name: trastuzumab) but will not benefit from a medicine that blocks the cell development or  "puts them to sleep". www.breastcancer.org

 

I'm not quite sure if  I shared this correctly so I will update as I understand it better. Not the best the reults could have come back, but not the worst, either way - Onward we will go....

"Darling, when things go wrong in life, this is what you do... you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail...and out you go." Sadie from Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella

I spent the week reading some really great books that my dad got me...

Cancer Vixen: A True Story by Marisa Acocella Marchetto. 
 "The groundbreaking graphic memoir that has inspired breast cancer patients to fight back—and do it with style."

The review states: “What happens when a shoe-crazy, lipstick-obsessed, wine-swilling, pasta-slurping, fashion-fanatic, about-to-get-married big-city girl cartoonist with a fabulous life finds . . . a lump in her breast?” That’s the question that sets this powerful, funny, and poignant graphic memoir in motion. In vivid color and with a taboo-breaking sense of humor, Marisa Acocella Marchetto tells the story of her eleven-month, ultimately triumphant bout with breast cancer—from diagnosis to cure, and every challenging step in between.

Uplift: Secrets from the Sisterhood of Breast Cancer Survivors by Barbara Delinsky.
Secrets of Survival: Every breast cancer survivor is a hero and has learned some of the secrets of survival. Family, friends, and coworkers who are supportive also bring some wisdom to the fight. UPLIFT is a wonderful collection that lives up to its subtitle: “Secrets from the Sisterhood of Breast Cancer Survivors.”

 

Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book, 5th Edition (A Merloyd Lawrence Book by Susan M. Love MD(Author), Karen Lindsey (Contributor) 
"Any woman facing a diagnosis, decisions about treatment, or concerns about prevention will find in Dr. Love’s book the information, guidance, and reassurance she needs."

Karen Lindsey (Contributor)

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Dr. Susan Love’s Breast Book has long been the bible for the newly diagnosed. In this completely revised fifth edition, it also becomes a guide for those at risk of getting breast cancer, survivors interested in the consequences of their treatment, and anyone who wants to understand the new research about how the local environment influences the manifestations and treatments of many different kinds of breast cancer. Major advances being made in genetic research today mean that prevention and treatment can work not only to get rid of mutated cells (through chemo or surgery), but also to change the environment around the cells (through hormone therapy, exercise, and stress reduction). Among other promising developments discussed are advances in imaging, recognition of breast density as a risk factor, and a section focused on “personalized medicine” to help determine what kind of cancer you have and how best to treat it. 

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I woke up Friday knowing my days with my hair were numbered. I was hoping I'd make it to my next treatment but as I was getting ready to be a "lady who lunches", it was coming out in multiple pieces. I was slightly late for lunch, needing a moment to collect myself and glue my hair to my head with hairspray. It took me until lunch to realize the terrible pain in my achilles, that was making it difficult to walk, was gone. I was happy about my foot, not so happy about my hair.  By Saturday, more was coming out, so I knew it was time for the buzz.  I am very lucky that my hairdresser is my very good friend.  She was on high alert for a midnight run to the salon.  Last night, we went for it.  A bag of cookies in tow, along with my 3 wigs, we did it!  I'm glad it's finished, I was tired of worrying about it.  I got up this morning put on my "dream hair" wig.  When Kane looked at me, he didn't even do a double look, just carried on his way.  Lukas got up, hugged me, and said, " Mom, your hair sure is growing."  I then told Lukas and Kane how L.F helped get some new hair because some medicine I was taking was causing me to lose my hair. So from now on I'd be wearing a wig.  Lukas said, "Good.  I like your long hair better." And, we continued on with regular morning of lego and Ben 10 guys before getting ready for daycare. There's more to tell Lukas as the days go by, that I'm finding difficult to tell him. I've rehearsed it's a million times in my head but can't seem to spit it out. The wig thing didn't even phase him, which reminds me how resilient kids can be. I'm sure he'll have questions later today which might lead into the rest of the discussion we need to have soon.  www.breastcancer.org has great suggestions on how to tell young people which we've taken our script from for telling the boys. It's difficult yet for me to say aloud to myself that I have cancer, let alone to the most important people in my life - my boys.  But I also know, it's important to teach them to not be scared of the C word and be confident that I, and his harem of care givers, will be there no matter what.

I thought pics of my hair should be included, so people aren't shocked when they see me....

Special thanks to my friend K.D. for sharing her wigs with me, and all my cheer leaders who knew I was going for my buzz cut and were sending messages of encouragement!!


My friend R.K made me a wordle on www.wordle.net.  These are her words.... "So, you can take this for what it's worth... I made a word cloud through "wordle" by pasting it in your blog page address. It pulled all the most common words you've written so far and turned them into a beautiful shape. I think it's an interesting way to stay conscious of the words we're saying, writing, and thinking. I really do believe that we project our thoughts and they become our reality (I know I need to get better at this!). So, if we all want you healthy, healing, and happy we should thinking more of these things ourselves! Your words (unsurprisingly) are VERY positive."


http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/6122241/For_CK

"With arms outstretched I thank. With heart beating gratefully I love. With body in health I jump for joy. With spirit full I live." ~Terri Guillemets

I'm into day 12 after first Chemo treatment and I'm happy to say I'm feeling really - quite well.  I am so thankful but fearing this is the calm before the storm..?? I had terrible heartburn up until 2 days ago.  I was ready to put a call in for some medication but it would appear it is mostly gone - for now.  I did wake up a few days ago with a  terrible pain in my left achilles tendon that stretched through my heel and foot. I have had a past injury to this area and still have a lot of swelling in my calf after long days without sitting down.   I have self diagnosed this to be a weakened area that must be effected from chemo drugs.  My friend has shared an ankle brace with magnets in it that is helping allot with the pain.  The second I take the brace off the pain pierces through my foot, so needless to say - I am keeping the brace on.  I will talk to my doctor about it next week.  I am hoping to attend some yoga classes with a friend but not sure if its good for this affected area or not??  Hoping maybe some physio will help it or maybe might need some pain medication for it.

I have gotten out a couple days to do some Christmas shopping and to buy a few treats for myself.  Retail therapy is one of the best ways to lift my mood.  I don't need to buy anything, looking at stuff with a coffee in my hand is one of my greatest pleasures.  A perk right now, is there are a few things that need to be bought for under the tree, and would like it done by my next treatment, so I've given myself the go ahead to spend,  spend, spend! 

I got the chance to head back to school for a few hours for my teams volleyball wind up.  So great to see my kids.  I feel horrible how quick I had to leave them. We had such a good start, and I had just moved into my new classroom ready to team teach with my work husband, J.W.... darn it.  And to think I should probably head back and pack up my stuff so someone new can do their own thing.... I spent hours and hours this summer setting it up so I could retire from that room....darn it, darn it, darn it!!!

I am overwhelmed at the messages and gifts friends and family have been sending.  Lasagnas, soups, spaghetti, frozen meals, cookies, muffins, care packages, pyjamas, wine, wigs, books, magazines, jewellery, bubble bath, flowers, chocolate and beautiful cards with notes of encouragement and well wishes. I feel so spoiled.  I can't say thank you enough for all the support. 

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." - Oprah Winfrey

It was really only a matter of time until an Oprah quote hit the blog...wasn't it??  I feel like another hurdle has been accomplished in this little journey of mine.  Today I made it past week one after the first chemo treatment.  It's not as if a medical professional told me this was a hurdle, but in my head I'm setting out one week stints.  Anyone can do anything for a week - right?  My understanding is that my blood cell count would be at its lowest over the next couple days from the treatment and I needed to be careful and monitor myself for bugs and fevers.  Today I wasn't feeling a whole lot different than any of the others.  My nausea has subsided for the most part but it does creep up on me.  I'm trying hard to eat healthy to give my body the nutrients it needs to fight bugs and stay strong but all I can get down some days are a piece of toast or a french fry.  But each day is a bit better.  I've never had heartburn in 37 years and now I get it after every food I eat.  The medication I take is helping with that though.   I was told the steroids might make me a bit edgy, which I'm pretty certain is the case and that my joints would be sore.  My ankles are very stiff and causing me some discomfort but that could be from lack of use as well..??   Overall, I would say week one after chemo was a success and something I can definitely do 7 more times if it means getting rid of this unwanted mass.

Today my son had the day off school so his fantastic teacher could enjoy a day to herself after spending extra time on parent-teacher-student conferences.  Our very bestest friend D.K said she would take the day off to help decorate the tree with the boys.  As much as I wanted to do that, all the bins seemed pretty overwhelming to my mental and physical state but needless to say, Deb is a trooper and got what we started, accomplished!  The boys helped in bits and pieces putting up the already multiple handmade decorations they've made as well as many of their dad's old Snoopy decorations.  They got quite a kick out of it.  Hot chocolate and cookies were made, stockings were hung, and nik naks were arranged accordingly.We kept the tree fairly simple, piling as many decorations as possible.  With the hands of a soon to be 3 year old near by,  my Martha Stewart tree is a few years away yet.   But I love it.  Deb got everything where I would normally have it without me having much energy to get it there myself.  She's the best - but everyone whose been apart of my life for 25 years knows that!!  Since Kane had been up at 5:45am ready to decorate, at 1pm, he and I headed for a nap while Deb and Lukas watched a movie.    I have to have naps to make it through the day but the problem is falling asleep.  I can't shut my brain off most of the time and my eyes flutter constantly creating a terrible distraction.   I knew today I had to have a rest though so I could attend my staff Christmas Party.  We were having a supper and curling night.  I was excited to see my friends.  When you cut a girl off cold turkey from a workplace of 50 (+350 kids) where she spends 10 hrs a day to a house of 1, it causes one to go a little stir crazy.  I needed to see my peeps!  It was so great to see them.  Lots of smiles and definitely the best turn out our school staff has had since I have been at that school!  We stayed for the meal and to watch a few rocks get thrown but my yawns were catching up with me.  The high lite of the night was seeing almost all of my colleagues wearing their pink touques and mitts to show me their support and it is something I will never forget. A little overwhelming for someone who doesn't like to be the center of attention to know that so many others, who also have many other challenges in their own lives, are thinking of me.  Each of them telling me they are behind me and that they are all on the bus to pick me up since, apparently, my limo has broken down.  How does one even begin to say thank you for that??