"Breast cancer isn't all boob jobs and marijuana." - Jordana B.

I am two thirds complete with radiation therapy, and couldn't be happier!! Travelling everyday to the hospital is a little much sometimes. My skin is holding up fairly well but I am definitely feeling the fatigue. I cannot wait until this treatment is done. Luckily I listened to a friend who told me to keep my schedule clear into my fourth week so that I could rest during the last days of radiation...

Although most of my days are spent at rehab, radiation, and physio, any extra time has been spent preparing for Run for the Cure. I am so grateful for the support my teammates are giving me by joining my team. And I am amazed at the financial generosity of so many friends and family. I really do hope the money will one day lead to a cure so this terrible disease is gone forever very soon. 

Thank you to everyone who has supported in my honour. We will walk together in support of many many brave ladies!! (One of which provided this post's introductory quote. I giggle about it everyday since she shared it:)

Run for the Cure, for Chantel

Loni here. If you know me at all, you know I generally abhor fundraising efforts completely. I would rather just pay up front and not suffer through the hassle of shaking down friends and thereby getting shaken down by them in ten-fold return in the future. However, this isn't a cause that you can just "pay up front" for like some sort of league fees or play structure.

People have to get engaged with the breast cancer cause and realize it is growing at an aggressive rate.

CIBC and Run for the Cure have done a fantastic job of getting the run and the fundraising effort in our faces at every turn. It can be a bit much, I know. But through all the emails, facebook statuses, tweets and requests for donations, at the very least I hope a few people take the time to gain a better understanding of breast cancer. Its hitting closer and closer to home for everyone, daily, and we have to take some sort of action to figure out what's going on and how we can stop it. Kudos to CIBC for "owning the cause" and rallying people's support. Hopefully the funds go towards finding the root cause of this disease and stopping it in its tracks.

Ultimately, my participation is for my amazing wife Chantel who is closer and closer to being a breast cancer alumni. I look at this event as just another step away from breast cancer and towards a normal life for her again. Its been cute watching her get all excited about the amount of people joining her team and how well everyone is doing in gathering support. Normally I wouldn't have anything to do with an event with "Run" in the title, but for her...I'll do it.

I hope you choose to participate or support Chantel, myself, or any one of the many teammates on her Team Ratherbshopping. Here is the link, if you choose to donate: Team Ratherbshopping

Thanks for reading. Later.
LK

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. ~James Matthew Barrie

Into week two of radiation - so far so good. Side effects aren't expected to start happening until week three. As the radiation gets deeper, I may have some redness, itching, peeling of the skin and fatigue. I've met a lot of ladies who got through radiation with very little side effects so I'm hoping for the same. 

I'm making a real effort to eat healthy and  regularly as well as get regular exercise to help combat any fatigue coming my way. Hopefully that will help get me through this stage smoothly. My energy level is not at full capacity but I'm definitely seeing improvement. 

My days are regularly  filled with rehab, physiotherapy, and radiation - often all three in the day. I go from one to the other and then head home for a nap before the boys get home from school.  Our evenings are filling with martial arts, gymnastics, and hockey. It is nice to feel well enough to be able to be a part of these things. I'm grateful for my slow but steady recovery. 

“The punishment of every disordered mind is its own disorder.” ― Augustine of Hippo

Thinking of all my friends and colleagues today meeting their new students. There's nothing more exciting than meeting your new class and messing up that nice clean classroom. I'm very sad to be missing out on that but my focus for this start of the year is on my own son. I'm going to cherish the opportunity to be able to take him to his first day of grade 1 which would never have happened if I wasn't at home. 

My eagerness to start radiation caused me to misunderstand my appointment date. I will begin this Friday- for real. ;)

It took me a long time, but I don't feel as anxious about stupid things anymore - or perhaps they've just been replaced by more complicated stupid things." - Neil Finn

I finally have the green light for radiation!! I'm all tattooed up and ready for lazering to begin! Tomorrow will be my first treatment of radiation. I'm a little anxious about what it's going to be like. How it's going to affect my skin, and how it's going to affect the fluid in my arm where lymph nodes were taken out. These are the areas of concern but not much we can do about it. It'll be what it'll be. My awesome team of physiotherapists at the Pasqua are ready to help me through it. What wonderful ladies I've met there. Tracey and Alissa take such good care of me. They often have to peel me off the roof after my tissue massage but they are making great progress. With radiation, their focus changes a bit from deep tissue massage to lymphatic draining. (Ill explain that more when I actually know what I'm talking about. ;) 

I got back to Level 10 this week to work with Jenna and continue mostly stretching exercises but some strength training and cardio. My body is in a bit of shock after 10 weeks of very little exercise. But, a very very necessary evil. It's quite scary and frustrating how much my physical strength and endurance have been affected but I'm determined to get to an even better level than I was before all this drama started ten months ago. I want to know that my diet, weight, and energy are at my personal best so that I'm ready for work and family life and all its responsibilities. From the way I feel after week one, I can only get stronger:). 

I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher

There are many things I've learned in the last nine months....one thing is that there is nothing more frustrating to a cancer patient than her schedule being thrown out of whack. All of my countdowns and calendar dates have been completely messed!! 

I still am not completely healed enough to begin radiation. I am having weekly check ups but no green light yet. "My glass is half full" attitude appreciates that I got much more of a summer than I expected, however, one does get slightly anxious when your body is not responding the way you hoped it would. The drs do see improvement every week but it is not enough to safely begin. If we start to early, I'll lose the implant which will create a much bigger problem than waiting it out a few extra weeks. 

So, swimming lessons, hockey school, business trip to Las Vegas, scrapbooking date, Rider games, barbecues, and play dates as if we were a  regular ordinary family. It's been fun and exhausting but rewarding to know I am bouncing back from the biggest challenge of my life. 

Schedules shmedules. One day at time. Smile on my face and take each day as it comes. My body is responding well and I'm getting through what I need to - even if it is a little slower than expected. 

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine. -Morris West

Lots of work at physio and following through with my stretches at home has my arm physically ready for radiation. Physio continues to work on the chording that is happening. The tendons on my underarm have "gummed" together making actually chords stick out in my arms. Lots of massage and stretching will take care of that over time. 

Unfortuantely, my incisions arent fully healed enough to start radiation. But a check up in the 14th will hopefully result in the green light to begin. 

So far we haven't noticed alot of excess swelling in my arm, which could indicate early stages of lymphadema. But I did get my very fashionable arm sleeve to compress my arm and keep the excess fluid at bay. 

I'm feeling pretty good overall. Very little pain other than when I go through physio. But even that is getting less. 

A few days of some sunshine really helps a persons mental state, well at least mine. Hoping for a bit more before daily radiation ends my summer. 

The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come. James Whitcomb Riley

Heading into 5 weeks after surgery.... Things are getting better day by day. Thankfully pain is minimal and I'm starting to move around more easily. It's taking a while to get my left arm moving as well as I'd like. I'm going to physio twice a week which is helping. I'm not completely healed yet so my exercises are not pushing a full range yet. I need to be able to raise my arm over my head for radiation so I really have to get at it. Unfortunately I got an infection this past week which delayed me at pushing my exercises. But hopefully this will be the only infection an I can get at it!

I've met my new radiation oncologist, Dr.McClennan. He will start my treatment as soon as I can raise my arm above my head and the infection is gone. I'm hoping within 2 weeks we can get treatment started so I can complete another part of the "to do" list. I'm frustrated that there will be a delay but not much I can do about it. 

Pathology has shown that the chemo did a very good job. I only had a very small mass left and a tiny spot in one lymph node. The surgeon feels very confident she got everything. Now radiation will hopefully get any cells that may be leftover hiding out. I am very anxious to get phase III into action! Disappointed its cutting into summer fun, but the terrible weather is making it easier to take!;)

When a goal matters enough to a person, that person will find a way to accomplish what at first seemed impossible. - Nido Qubein

Well, it took 18 days to be rid of the majority of the pain- but I made it! I'm almost Tylenol free since Monday, so I'd say things are looking up. The first ten days after surgery may have been the worst of my life. I never left my bedroom for 8 days. I was so sore and so tired. But that is all behind me now. 

I've seen my plastic surgeon, who did immediate reconstruction and he says everything looks really good. It's hard knowing if I made the right decision with reconstruction. It's causing a lot of discomfort with the stretching of my skin and its difficult knowing I brought some of this on myself by choosing to do reconstruction. But, I've got to stick with my decision and grin an bare it. 

Two-stage reconstruction or two-stage delayed reconstruction is the type most often done if implants are used. An implanted tissue expander, which is like a balloon, is put under the skin and chest muscle. Through a tiny valve under the skin, the surgeon injects a salt-water solution at regular intervals to fill the expander over a period of about 4 to 6 months. After the skin over the breast area has stretched enough, a second surgery will remove the expander and put in the permanent implant. Some expanders are left in place as the final implant.

The two-stage reconstruction is sometimes called delayed-immediate reconstruction because it allows time for other treatment options. If radiation is needed, the next steps may be delayed until after radiation treatment is complete. If radiation is not needed, the surgeon can start right away with the tissue expander and second surgery. (www.cancer.org)

I meet with my oncologist today to find out my plan for radiation and to hear the particulars on the pathology of my mastectomy. Radiation will be daily for six weeks. I'm told its not painful but quite draining of my energy. That doesn't worry me, I can bounce back. 

Last week I started physical therapy at the hospital. I'm working with a lovely lady named Tracey who has lots of experience working with breast cancer patients. I am pretty alarmed at my inability to use my left arm because the lymph nodes were removed. Out of all the things I read and researched, it wasn't info I sought out. So although I knew physio was necessary, I was caught off guard by how much physio it is going to take to get back in use. Although I can't do as much therapy yet because of the reconstruction, we've started with Tracey massaging the scar tissue in my arm pit. Wow. That is toe curling pain. But I'm told I will feel better as it loosens up. She needs to do enough so I am able to raise my arm over my head and hold it there to complete radiation. I am quite aways from being able to do that yet so we're meeting twice a week to get things loosened up. 

I am happy to have my last week before daily radiation at the cabin with my boys. Loni is taking his first full week off in 2 years and the first week off in the summer since I married him!! He so deserves it. Our cabin has become our sanctuary and Loni might even like it more than me. I'm not able to do as much as I'd like with the boys, my energy and discomfort doesn't allow me to yet. But every day is a little better. I have my friends and family to thank for my recovery and my positive outlook. I have had so much support from everyone. They motivate me everyday to put a smile on my face and take it a day at a time. 

Thanks to friends who filled my freezer and dropped off meals. So thoughtful and generous of you. 

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” - Unknown

Well it's been one week since my surgery. Every day is a bit better than the previous. My energy and strength is definitely at an all time low but I'm told everything went perfectly. I am so thankful for hearing those words. 

Within a few days, Dr.Meiers, the surgeon who did the mastectomy, will call with the pathology of the cancer. It will tell them what stage the cancer was at, after the chemo, and information about the cells so if there is ever a reoccurrence they will know more about with what they are dealing. Dr.Meiers said the chemo did a really great job. She could not see anything and the lymph nodes were hardly enlarged. 

A one week post surgery check up was very positive as well. 

As I get my energy back, Ill share more thoughts and words of wisdom but for now, I have to just sit, takes some deep breaths, and take a few more days to recuperate. 

Thanks so much to my family and friends for the flowers, gifts, meals, and get well wishes. I cannot believe the generosity of so many close and extended family and friends. Thanks for allowing me time to focus on myself so I can get well for my family and give back to all of you who have given so much to me. 

Home...

Loni here again. Just a quick update for everyone:

The "Short Stay Unit" lived up to its name, and Chantel was discharged at around 10:00 this morning. The discharge process was a little disjointed, with Chantel getting caught in the middle of the shift change, and it felt a little like a bird being pushed out of the nest, but I suppose there wasn't much more they could do for her at the hospital anymore.

It was a quick removal of the catheter and testing of the system, one last peck at the morphine machine, unhook the IV, learn how to empty the JP drains, here's your prescription, go grab a wheelchair, and off you go!

Overall, we both have to give kudos to the entire health care system on this one. I know it is often-maligned, but in Chantel's case its gone about as smoothly as it could...at every point in this entire process. And believe me, we are more than thankful and realize how blessed we truly are in that regard.

Chantel is home now, and resting. And we're quickly beginning to realize that although everything we have (house, vehicles, beds, chairs, etc) is built for comfort...its not exactly rehab-friendly. An iComfort memory foam bed is the opposite end of the "plush spectrum" from a Stryker hospital bed, and not quite as easy to adjust within. She'll take a day or so to get settled in, and then the visitors can start to come by.

Thanks again to everyone for your texts, emails, messages, cards, flowers and tokens of support. The love has been overwhelming. Keep putting out the positive vibes, and maybe mix in a few thoughts for those in Calgary, Canmore, High River, etc who are dealing with the unimagineable.

I've been beaten and broken but I healed though ... We've all got problems but we deal though - Inner Ninja, Classified

Loni here...reporting in for Chantel. I feel like I've texted, facebook messaged and emailed most everyone, but for those following along on the blog, here is a more detailed update:

Procedure-wise, everything went absolutely according to plan. The whole admitting and pre-op process went like clockwork, and every single professional involved was comforting and empathetic. Both surgeons performed their surgeries precisely as planned and reported back they went perfectly. Post-op recovery took a little longer than planned however, with Chantel being a little nauseous and needing some extra time to come out of it.

She has now been moved to the new "Short Stay Ward", where she will recover for the next couple of days. It got off to a shaky start, but once the pain and nausea meds set in and she found a reasonably comfortable position on the hospital bed and thermostat, she was able to get some sleep. I hated like hell to leave, but if I was to stay in that solitary chair another hour I'd be in a hospital bed beside her.

For those of you wanting to visit or send some sort thoughtful get well item, it'll likely have to wait. The short stay ward is a pretty no-frills place, and its one visitor at a time with some fairly restricted hours. Thank you all for your offers. Its the thought that counts.

Its been a long day. Other than that one fateful day we both absorbed the news that Chantel truly had cancer, today was the toughest of this entire ordeal. Its been a whirlwind the past 6 months, thankfully one that Chantel has been fortunate enough to come out on the positive side of every single time. But I think today was when this all truly hit home. Surgery is a positive thing...the cancer is officially gone...but surgery is real, and its gonna hurt, and there's no way of getting around it. I've taken my cues from Channy every step of the way so far. And in case you haven't noticed, she's been a rock, so we've been better than okay. But today's sendoff into the OR was heart-wrenching, terrifying and helpless for the both of us.

Thankfully there has been a host of encouragement and support from friends, family, coworkers and alumni. To say Chantel and I were "feeling the love" would be a gigantic understatement. Thank you one and all.

Tomorrow is another day. The first day of being cancer free. Let the healing process begin.

Until tomorrow,
LK

PS. before you think I've changed my musical ways to sugar-coated radio pop, I chose the lyrics in this title because they're the ones that stood out to me as I listened that song yet again tonight. I haven't been a big fan, but I'm starting to think there is some sort of cosmic connection because that song (and every other kind of ninja reference) is now eerily following us around everywhere it would seem. It even popped up on Sirius Hits One as soon as I turned on my truck tonight. Despite being spawned by a 3 year old who quotes every YouTube video like scripture all...day...long, this Ninja reference has gained a lot of traction and has become a rallying cry as we head through the darkest part of this whole ordeal.... If you've been wondering what all the ninja references are on the social media profiles, now you know. To those who know...keep up the good work. Hiiii-yuh!

I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me. – Dr. Seuss

Well the day has finally come. Almost 8 months ago- to the day- I went to my doctor thinking something wasn't quite right. After many appointments, tests, treatments, discussions, and readings, I'm going to have surgery and know with pretty good confidence, I've beaten cancer. After hearing many times, "your life can change in an instant" I've now lived it. It really can change in an instant. 

Tomorrow will be a last step to see this challenge through to the end and come out a better, stronger person on top.  

Loni will put an update on here for me for the next few days. Thanks everyone for all the messages, phone calls, emails, gifts and cards expressing your admiration and good wishes. You have all been an immense support to myself and my family. 

"A Ninja never quits." - Kane Kaufmann

When we were out on a bike ride last week we came across a little hill. I was  encouraging Lukas to keep going up the hill, to keep pedalling as hard as he could, and suddenly Kane yelled out, "A ninja never quits!"  How can a 3 year old already know the importance of never giving up?! This was such a simple but profound moment for me. My little three year old is will hopefully know one day that this ninja never quit either.  We now remind each other everyday to never quit. 

Surgery date had been set for June 19. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. I feel I'm in very good hands with both surgeons. All I can hope for is that my body handles everything well and there's as little issues as possible. I'm told there should be very little pain which is what I'm hoping for. The mastectomy will be about 3 hours and and the reconstruction will be about an hour. I'm told one night, maybe two at the hospital and then home to recover. 

I won't lie, I can't wait to have this finished. I'm thankful to have had some choice for my surgeons, time to research my options, and time to talk with others who've been through this before. But its been long enough. Time to get 'er done. 

Radiation will start four weeks after and go for six weeks. 

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop. ~Ovid

While waiting to hear the date for my surgery, I've been resting at home and enjoying the feeling of being on my way to completely cancer free. 

As scared as I am about the surgery, I'm very much looking forward to it being done. The surgeon has agreed to do a double mastectomy and a plastic surgeon will be doing immediate reconstruction. They both seem very confident and feel everything should go very smoothly. I'm hoping they're right. 

As each day goes by, I'm feeling more like myself. I feel so much better when I wake up. My head is clearer and I don't feel like I've been hit by a truck. This good feeling fools me into thinking I have more energy than I do. It's caught me a couple days when I tried to make it without a rest. Then the feeling of being hit by a truck returns. But as long as I take it easy, I'm feeling quite well. I'm getting to my level 10 classes with a cancer rehab group and really enjoy their company and the giggles we share in between hot flashes and huffing and puffing. I've enjoyed getting out to visit with my friends and my coworkers and have some laughs as well. 

Spring is a good time for renewal and implementing healthy habits. This has become my new focus while enjoying my active boys and playing in every puddle and every dirt pile we see along our bike rides and walks. Every challenge and rough day this winter has been worth it to be able to enjoy these fun spring days with them. So much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to!

How do you thank the team of people who worked together to save your life?

You take them macaroons from Le Macaron!! 

When you receive the good news I got this week AND it's "Nurse Appreciation Week", you can't help but want to somehow say thank you to the team of people who helped you beat cancer. 

It's difficult to find the right gift and words that express the gratitude you feel. 

"Thanks for saving my life." seems hardly enough to the team of people who gave you the chance to watch your boys grow up, enjoy many more happy years with your husband, and partake in laughs and good times with your friends and family for years to come.  

So 3 dozen macaroons and a note of thanks had to suffice....

A special thank you to all of you…

I’ve been doing chemotherapy for 24 weeks and have finally completed my last one!  This week all of my tests showed that the 9cm tumour in my breast is completely gone, my lymph nodes shrunk and no cancer has spread to my organs.  We can now carry on to surgery and the steps that will wrap this experience up.

My family and I can never thank you enough for your expertise, your knowledge, your care, and your sense of humour.  Walking into that treatment area was one of the scariest experiences of our lives.  But each of you, at some point - smiled, patted me on the back, cared for me, laughed with me, checked on me, verified my name and birthdate, poked me, untangled my pole, reclined my chair, got me a juice, covered me with a blanket, answered my questions…the list goes on.  

You are a wonderful team that shows kindness, courtesy, and respect to patients and to each other.  Although we wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, we wish they could feel the quality of care we received in our 16 treatments.  

Thank you very, very much.

Chantel and Loni Kaufmann

Dr. Kakamanu,

As I complete my chemotherapy and move onto the next phase of this breast cancer journey, a quick note of thanks.  A few cookies hardly seem enough for your knowledge, expertise and care in saving my life but what really would be enough?  Although there is a bit for us to conquer yet, we wanted to say thank you very very much for all that you have done for me and my family.  We would never wish cancer on anyone, but we wish everyone could feel as confident in their doctor as we do with you.  Thanks for answering our questions, being confident and knowledgeable in my treatment, and listening to our concerns.  

Enjoy the macaroons on a coffee break!

Chantel and Loni Kaufmann

 

"NEVER GIVE UP; Never lose hope. Always have Faith, it allows you to cope. Trying times will pass as they always do. Just have patience, your dreams will come true. So put on a smile, you will live through your pain. Know it will Pass, and strength you will gain." - Bel Claveria Carig Martinez

One week after my last chemo treatment. It feels good knowing  that side effects will start slowly leaving my body. Sore legs, numb-tingling toes and fingers, puffy bloated belly, intense night sweats, nausea, dry eyes, baldness and the constant haze I feel like I'm walking. I may have saved most of my nails from falling off. I'm pretty certain I'll lose my big toe nails but from what I hear, I'm pretty lucky for that too. 

It'll take a while to get my energy back but I'm looking very forward to that. My boys have pretty much figured out that our play time is reading books, colouring and watching movies.  I'm not the funnest mom to be hanging with right now, but it'll get better. 

This week was tests and appointments every day. Ct scan. Heart Echo. Meeting my surgeon, Dr.Meiers. Seeing Dr. Kakamanu. And getting my weekly dose of Herceptin. Poor Loni was leaving work constantly. 

Dr. K's visit was the most rewarding of the week. All my tests showed the cancer has not spread to my organs, and the tumour appears to be completely gone-no one can feel anything! 

I don't need to tell you what it felt like getting THAT news!  I'm not a "what if" person but there were  a few flying around in my head the last week.  Knowing this is gone and that I'm kicking this C's butt gives me the strength to get through the upcoming surgery and radiation. 

Meeting Dr. Meiers was a very positive experience. She seems to be a great listener as well as very strong and assertive. She is willing to do a double mastectomy if I feel it's the best for me and that I understand the risks involved. I was hoping to do immediate reconstruction but its looking like that might not be the best for the final result with 6 weeks of radiation needed after the surgery. I wanted to try to avoid two recovery times but Ill do whatever they recommend. No one has steered me wrong this far. 

So I will have 4 weeks rest and then the surgery will happen. I could pretend I'm looking forward to the next phase but that would be a lie. Terrified would be the  word I'd choose. But as one friend said, "Its the end to all of this. It's a good thing." I've met many brave ladies who've proved that this is all fairly standard and recovery happens and you get past it.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to the little break I get for a couple more weeks. We're going to go to our beautiful new cabin and let the boys collect sticks and rocks until they're blue in the face. The most important thing for me is to not get sick before surgery and to rest up. So I will stick to doing what I need to to 

make that happen. 

"Take pride in how far you've come and have faith in how far you can go."

1 to go

We're almost through another week as we look towards my LAST chemo treatment. It was a pretty quiet week of rest. Monday and Tuesday have been my toughest days throughout the week of recovery and this week was no different. I think I slept for almost 20 straight hours and then I woke up Wednesday feeling not bad and Thursday feeling even better. I was very nauseous Tuesday and didn't get on top of my medicine and it caught up with me. Luckily, after 24 hrs it subsided.
One of the toughest parts this week has been dealing with my finger and toe nails. I had hoped I wouldn't lose them from the chemo but it's not looking good. They are very sore. Some days I haven't even been able to put on my shoes. Luckily the damn snow is almost gone and I can get out my flip flops.
Over the past couple of weeks, have spent some time with some lovely ladies who were willing to share their words of wisdom and opinions with me regarding their mastectomies and reconstruction surgeries. Reading books is of course helpful, but it doesn't beat the first hand knowledge gained from talking to women who've been through this in the same health care system. So kind of them to share their experience with me so that I can make the most informed decisions for myself in the days ahead.

Can't lie. I'm pretty pumped to walk into chemo treatment Friday and leave feeling confident that I will never be back.
(I do have to go back every three weeks to receive Herceptin intravenously for a year, but never back for chemo.) I will miss my Friday routines of chats with the fantastic nurses and the focused sit down time with my husband but we will all give that up knowing the chemo has done its job and my body and my head are ready for phase 2 of our plan we set out 6 months ago.

Before phase 2 can begin, a few tests and discussions to be had between myself, my oncologist, and my surgeon, Dr. Suzanne Meiers, in the next week. I had my MUGA this week (heart test), and next week will have a CT to check there is no cancer spread to my organs, discuss immediate reconstruction and a bilateral surgery with Dr. Meiers, and hopefully get the go ahead from Dr. Kakamanu that we are ready to go and everything is where we hoped it would be at this point.

Thanks to everyone for their messages and pats on the back. We are almost there, we are almost half-way finished!!

"Tell the negative committee that sits in your head to sit down and shut up. " - Kathy Kendall

2 to go

Another treatment under my belt. My super duper mother in law took in her first chemo treatment with me so Loni could attend a workshop. I think it made her feel better to see it wasn't as terrible of a place as she thought it was in her head. She didn't love seeing them access my port, or as Loni calls it, "my vampire bite". Where he then watches the color from my face slowly leave as the drugs hit my body. She also got to see how friendly and caring the nurses are, and that considering its a fairly serious procedure, it all moves along quite smoothly and painlessly. The best part is the outstanding rule that, afterwards, we get to pick a place for lunch!

I found myself this week having to review my Oprah notes. It was probably my toughest, more mentally than physically. The most achiness I've felt, along with the most tingling of pins and needles in my feet and hands, and physical and mental exhaustion gave way for quite a grouchy mommy and wife. Then a sick kid up all night in the middle of this almost did me in. But again, my mother in law came to the rescue. She's an amazing, selfless woman who has always been there for us, and continues to go above and beyond.

Along with my Oprah notes, I read from the couple of books I have on the go about other ladies who've beaten this crappy disease. As I get into the sixth month of this journey, I can confirm this is as much mental as physical. Feeling a mix of emotions as we head towards the finish line of chemo treatments, is exciting and terrifying at the same time. As the physical pain increases, it is exciting to be so close to being done. But as we head into unfamiliar territory of more tests and surgery, I can't help but feel scared of what lies ahead.

Luckily, the fog these treatments cause, always lifts just before I head to my next treatment and I feel more positive and can see more clearly. I know I can do this and can handle what ever comes my way. I have the very best people here to support me and give me all the support I need to head into the next phase. My head is up and my fists are ready.

"Gratitude is the single biggest force changing your energy field from negative to positive. "- Oprah

3 to go

A busy, busy week of a fashion show fundraiser, chemo treatment, and a short trip to see Oprah! Needless to say, I'm a little bit tired from a whirlwind 4 days. But what an inspirational, motivating, fun four days!

The Power of Pink Fashion Show for the Breast Assessment Clinic was a real success. $90000 was raised!!
The money will be used to purchase a biopsy machine for the clinic. Also,
$15000 will be given to the physiotherapist and trainer who work with ladies to rehabilitate after surgery. These two ladies are very much dedicated to helping breast cancer survivors live strong, confident, healthy lives and will without a doubt, appreciate and benefit greatly from this money.

It was such an awesome feeling being apart of this fundraiser and knowing exactly where the money was going.
I was apart of the first POP with my friend who was a designer. To see what it has grown into is truly amazing and inspiring. Never did I imagine I'd be walking down the runway trying to prove to myself, and others, that women can beat this crappy disease with some sass and some spunk. But we did it. And we are proving it.

I never asked to be apart of the pink club, but it has given me a vision and purpose to forever help others from being in this situation and to support them when they are in the middle of it. I hope I can help in the years ahead with POP and many other areas of the "Pink Club". Although, my runway career was a one time deal!

I cannot thank the four tables of friends, coworkers and family enough for their support. They had the best seats in the house, right at the end of the runway. With their cheers and flashing cameras, I felt so loved and motivated to continue this fight with the courage and positive attitude I have tried so hard to do. My support team has given so much of their time, energy, and money to help me see this through- I can't imagine others not having the support I have had from day one. I just can't express enough gratitude to everyone.

It was a quiet chemo treatment the next day. I was so tired from my catwalk debut, I slept the entire time. Loni passed the time at his makeshift office while I dreamed of hitting the runway in New York. ;)

A couple o days later, A group of us then headed to see our hero, Oprah. Probably not a more crucial time in my life to hear such an inspirational woman share some of the things she's learned throughout her lifetime.

So many "A-Ha!" moments. But these specifically stood out for me:

I am the master of my fate. The captain of my soul. Anything is mine if I will it towards me and put all of my energy into it.

Thankfully, my wonderful husband and partner is working so hard to allow me time to put all the energy I have into beating this disease. Whether its giving me quiet time to rest, attending fashion shows, entertaining the boys, filling my water bottles, icing my legs, cooking and cleaning, the list is endless. I often think of how I would have handled this if the roles were switched, and I'm really not sure I could have shown such strength.

By allowing me to be the master of my destiny, while by my side every step of the way, we are beating this together. I am so grateful for his strength, his humour, his dedication to our family, and his commitment to me. I am a very lucky girl.

Life is mostly froth and bubble, but two things stand like stone, kindness in another’s trouble and courage in your own." - Princess Diana

4 to go

I can't lie, I am so excited to know I have one month left of treatments! I have been so amazingly lucky to have minimal side effects but am looking forward to not feeling so tired and foggy. Four treatments seems so doable after completing twelve so far.
I have had some leg pain this week, and the most numbness in my fingers I've felt so far, but nothing some Advil can't handle. I had such good intentions of getting to both Level 10 workouts but I had another sick kid today. I felt so good last week, I actually was able to put some extra effort into my exercises.

I'm excited, and scared as hell, to be apart of The Power of Pink Fashion show this week. "The Power of Pink returns – a lavishly cosmopolitan evening showcasing Saskatchewan talent, including a fashion show, hors d’oeuvres, and an auction of original art and jewelry created by local, renowned professionals and celebrities. All proceeds benefit the Hospitals of Regina Foundation and Pasqua Hospital’s Breast Assessment Centre."
Professional models will strut their stuff on a runway in Saskatchewan Designers' clothing, while the finale features women who are in the middle of or who have beaten breast cancer, and will wear a specially designed piece as well as walk with a celebrity. I cannot believe I'm actually going to do this??!!
500 pairs of eyes on me, while I walk a runway. I spend half my life in a pair of gym runners and Lulu Lemon pants. Not to mention I'm wearing a wig and puffy from chemo and lying around for 5 months. But, it was such an honour to be asked, and I will forever use this experience to help others. The breast assessment clinic is an important place in diagnosing women and if it means I have to do something WAY out of my comfort zone, I'll do it. My husband's work, Captive Audience, generously bought tables to attend and show their support. And I have 16 friends and family who bought tickets to continue their unfailing support. I really can't thank everyone enough for such a large donation of their money but also their time and energy. I'm looking forward to having all of us be a part of such a special evening.

@WomenOfHistory: Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself. -Lucille Ball

6 to go, 5 to go

Made it through 2 treatments in 6 days! The Allan Blair clinic was closed Friday because of the Easter long weekend so they scheduled me in a day early. I have felt pretty darn good, the rest of my family is a different story. All of the Kaufmann boys suffered the last week with fevers and colds. I was able to take care of them for the most part, although Loni was pretty much left on his own. I was a little scared to go too close to him with the germs flying everywhere. Thanks to the help of my dad and Deb we had a nice Easter weekend considering most of us were under the weather at some point.

I'm spending lots of my free time reading about side effects of my treatment, and preparing myself for upcoming surgery. Still not sure if I'll do a double mastectomy and/or reconstruction. So much to learn and understand. The info can be so overwhelming. And also frightening. Some days I wished I didn't know what I know. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. The long term side effects of some of the drugs I'm taking to battle this tumour don't seem all that positive- but there's really not a lot of choice - has to be done. My doctor doesn't recommend a bilateral mastectomy but most women look at me as if I'm crazy for not doing it. Reconstruction seems to add so much more time and pain to this whole experience, it's difficult to decide if its worth it? So much to learn. So much to take in. So many facts, opinions, and personal experiences to sort through and decide what is best for myself and my family in the long term. I'm so thankful things are going well but it gets frustrating putting your life on hold. I'd like to get through this as efficiently as possible so we can put it behind us and carry on with all of the experiences we have yet to be apart of together. I'm determined for us to get back to "normal". I know our new "normal" may look slightly different, but I'm committed to keeping some of it the same. I'm so appreciative of all the help I get so I can continue to meet my girlfriends for supper, go to the gym, volunteer... But it still isn't with the same energy I can do these things so I look forward to the day when I feel like my old self, maybe even a better self. A new me to carry on with all the things I love to do for myself but mostly for my family and friends.

"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is madeup, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear."-Rosa Parks

7 more to go

Another week almost complete following treatment #4 of round 2. Might have been the roughest one but manageable. A couple days after treatment I got some of the leg pains I was expecting but also a fever. To be safe we went to Emergency as per my instructions. I hate being overly cautious, but better to be safe.
After a little wait, in an overcrowded waiting room, I was given a room to wait privately, so I could avoid the ever present germs flying around. I was greeted by some very friendly nurses and a dr that seemed thorough in my evaluation. We did an X-ray to make sure no pneumonia and blood work to check my numbers. Everything came out ok and seeing as I was already on antibiotics for my sinuses, the dr felt it was ok for me to go home. I had taken Tylenol at home, so at the hospital, I didn't actually have a fever but was told to come back if it got any worse. I felt much better that evening and the following day.
The fever did return but it wasn't as bad. So topped up with Tylenol, we headed to Lukas's first Portfolio Night which are his second term conferences. Such an interesting experience being on the other side of the table. I always feel so bad when the parents look more nervous than the kids, at conference time, and here I was, now THAT parent. Hoping my child is being respectful, courteous, hardworking, kind, focused, cooperative??!! Lukas proudly showed us all around his room pointing out all of his work and telling us stories about his daily activities at school. What a great night, so proud of that boy. He's come a long way in his confidence and maturity- thank goodness. He absolutely loooves school which I can only pray will continue.

So on we go for number nine tomorrow. I'm feeling less energetic as the days go by but I'm ready to go! Looking forward to checking this one off my list and moving forward.
I've called in a sub for my chemo partner so Loni can watch Kane at his last gymnastics class. M.R has been by my side since I was 10 years old. This wasn't on our list of things to do together, but what the heck- we'll add it to our list of memorable events. Not sure it'll be as fun as Madonna or Cuba, but we can say we did it.

"I am a woman in process. I'm just trying like everybody else. I try totake every conflict, every experience, and learn from it. Life is neverdull." - Oprah Winfrey

8 more to go

A week has almost gone by since my last treatment and I'm feeling so good it's making me a bit nervous. Lol. I never expected it but am so thankful for it. A few aches in my calves and some restless feet at night are the only things I can whine about, for now.
I'm feeling well enough to volunteer at Lukas's school one morning a week. I'm helping in the grade 1 room, working mostly with a 7 year old girl who has moved here with her family from Sudan. It's nice to feel useful for a change instead of asking for something. I also got to go to my school and say hi to everyone and have lunch with my work husband. The kids have grown so much!? Happy to share with them that everything is going as well as we could hope for right now. Loni and I even got a double date night in with our friends to the casino- one of my most favorite places to listen to music.
My check up went well with my doctor and we are starting to map out the next phase of our plan of attack. 8 weeks of 8 more treatments. 4 weeks to rest. Surgery. Then 4 more weeks to rest. And then 6 weeks of radiation. Which puts us at one third through this marathon.
I think I can... I think I can... I think I can.

“You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is...now.” ― Jay Asher

9 more to go

Another treatment complete! Feeling well physically, emotionally, and mentally. These weekly treatments, being less concentrated, are allowing me a little reprieve. I'm resting whenever I can but also enjoying some fun with my family and friends.
I was able to spend some time with some dear teacher friends and watch a very focused, dedicated group of young men win the league basketball championships!
It was so great to watch their hard work pay off. Special thanks to D.B for coaching the boys after I was unable to finish working with this great group of boys I started with last year. A very special thanks to both boys and girls teams for showing me support the entire season with their beautiful, thoughtful warm up shirts. I will wear mine proudly for a very long time.

"Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combinationfor success." Napoleon Hill

10 more to go.
After completing #2 of the weekly regime, I am thankful for the minimal side effects so far. I've had enough energy to have a little fun with my friends and enjoy some laughs. The steroids seem to give me a boost through the weekend and allow me to feel pretty "normal". Other than a few aches here and there, I'm getting puffier and puffier by the minute. My skin is stretching to proportions I hoped I wouldn't see but knew would probably happen. My hands don't look like my hands, and my belly- well we won't even go there. I will keep focussing on the positive - I am kicking this things butt!
I'm looking forward to walking this week with some normal winter temps and breathing in some fresh air to keep a positive attitude for the days ahead.
Taking it a day at a time, but wanting to be done this SO badly, requires alot of patience from a Generation X'er that isn't always so used to taking my time and going at someone else's pace and schedule.
Looking forward to week of school basketball practices and a big play off game victory before the league finals this weekend!

"The happiest people do not have everything, they make the best of everything they have. "

Happy to report that I'm feeling quite well after treatment #5. I can still taste my food and I don't have the aluminum taste that I've had after the previous treatments. I'm fairly certain it will get a little harder as we get into more treatments but for now Im very thankful. It was very nice of Loni's mom and Deb to help with the boys because we just weren't sure how I would react to this new treatment. I had a very relaxing weekend which allowed me to rest. If I'm feeling well into the week, I'm hoping to have lunch with a few friends who have holidays this week. (Teachers get sooo many holidays- do they EVER work?!)

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking createsprofoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. "-Lao Tzu

Making my way through another week and feeling better as the days go by, heading towards treatment #5. My energy level is definitely taking a hit, but my sinuses have cleared up. I'm having quite terrible headaches almost every day but they do seem to pass if I can get myself moving and sidetracked with something else to focus on. Tylenol helps a bit but its something I'll have to talk to my doctor about this week. My teeth and gums were aching for about 10 days something fierce. I wanted to take a pair of pliers and rip out my back teeth but instead I had a couple of Pepsi Slurpees, which helped alot but only for a short time. That pain seems to have subsided, thank goodness. I just start to feel almost normal and then it's time to blast that darn tumour with chemo. But, I'm ready for the next one!

I am trying so hard to keep my focus and stay positive while constantly visualizing what life will be like when this is all done. I've met some very kind ladies who've beat this and told me I will too. I read books of ladies who have beat it. My friends all hug me and we talk about what we'll do when we beat it.
It makes it even tougher when I hear of someone in my community that is having such a hard time with her cancer she has chosen to go elsewhere to beat it. Someone I've never met but we have common friends. She is it giving it her everything and has so many people who want to support her in every way possible.
She has a tough road ahead of her but we all know she can do it.
If any of my friends and supporters are able to offer her some support, she has 3 beautiful babies she's fighting for every day.

http://www.gofundme.com/shineon

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your ownsunshine." ~Anthony J. D'Angelo

I'm not exactly feeling like a ray of sunshine the last couple days... But I'm blaming -42 temperatures as well as my low energy.
Everything is going pretty well despite the January blues creeping in. I'm having some type of histamine reaction when the steroids wear off which is leaving me to feel like I have a constant sinus infection. I can't lie down or my head feels like its going to explode. So I'm sleeping in a recliner and popping Benadryl every 6 hours. Needless to say I don't awaken to my two boys very spry. But we're getting through it.
I went to see my kids at school- finally. It was so great to see them. They have grown so much- I can't believe it!? I got to say hi to many students and teachers but couldn't make my way through the whole school. I forgot how much energy it takes to be in that building. I hope to go back and hit the other half next week.
My boys basketball team got to fill me in on their 3-0 start to the season. I'm so proud of them and so sad I haven't been able to be apart of it. We've been talking basketball in my classroom since September - knowing this was our season. And they are going for it! I can't wait to watch them play next week.
I could not be more touched with my basketball warm up shirt the boys got me. Both teams are wearing warm up shirts with my initials on them, showing me support and that they're thinking of me. One of the many reasons middle years kids are the best.... Most loyal and caring kids when you show them the same in return.

@AboutAquarius: "Aquarians know that pain is temporary but quittinglasts forever. They will never quit until they reach their destination."

I've almost made it through the weekend following my 4th treatment. Not quite the way a girl wants to celebrate her 38th birthday but very thankful I could celebrate it!
So many kind messages from old and new friends. A nice evening spent with my family eating a few bites of my husband's delicious Penne a la Vodka and Deb's famous Peanut Butter Pie - newly named Wow Butter Pie.
Most of the weekend was spent in bed sleeping and trying to avoid this taste of aluminum in my mouth. I describe it as a mouthful of quarters. So happy this was the last treatment of this one. I'm not sure I could do another one of these?! Who am I kidding? Of course I could! But I sure wouldn't want to!
Heading into my 38th year a little scared, but a whole lot wiser and more focused with one goal in mind. I can't wait to prove to myself and all my supporters what one feisty red head can accomplish!

"You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems rightfor you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high.Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure.Persist! The world needs all you can give." - E.O. Wilson

Here I sit... Finishing my last of 4 treatments with the current cocktail of F.E.C. I have reached halfway point with my treatments!! I am very excited by this and quite proud of how I've handled it. I feel very fortunate that I have been able to handle it all fairly well. My family and friends have helped in so many ways that a thank you hardly seems enough.

The doctor yesterday said my tumour is clearly shrinking and getting smaller so there is no need to scan it right now. THIS is super awesome and very motivating!!

Hopefully after a weekend of rest, I'll be on the go in the days ahead. I'm so looking forward to watching my boys basketball team kick some butt as they make their way to the playoffs! Go Bears!

I remember there was this thing I used to do at night. I think it was called "sleep".

Well, I'm nearing my next treatment and looking forward to being halfway done!!

I'm still getting over the worst cold of my life but it is slowly leaving... It put me in bed for 5 days straight and another 5 days in my recliner. It greatly affected my sleeping patterns which were already a mess.
I barely got through it in time to celebrate the boys birthdays at the hotel for water sliding but I did make it! We had a really great time.

I'm happy to say I've had no leg pain so the blood thinners must have helped.

Working out my first 2 times at Level 10 with my group was probably the high lite of my last few days. I've met a lady who had my same surgeon, who thinks she did a great job, and it feels great to get back moving. We do lots of weird little exercises to strengthen shoulders, back, and abs as well as a little bit of cardio and strength training. I'm very thankful I found this as an option to spend my time on the days I'm feeling up to it.

If I understood correctly, after treatment #4, I will be getting some tests done to check that the tumour is shrinking. So, it's time for everyone to throw their positive vibes, pray to whomever they pray to, make their penny fountain wish, and cross their fingers and toes!!!

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with therain." - Dolly Parton

Into day 10 after treatment #3... Had a slightly rougher weekend with a tough cold but it is slowly making its way out the door. Slightly nerve wracking not knowing if your body is going to fight it off or it's going to turn into something more. Luckily, my ever faithful teacher-tough immune system is not letting me down. Definitely felt the weakest I've felt in this whole thing but today am feeling more like myself. I appreciate the help family gave with my boys so I could rest.

The week brings lots of excitement at our household. It is birthday week! Lukas and Kane celebrate their 6th and 3rd birthdays. Deb turns another year older. AND we welcomed another January baby to the family, Ezra!! Looking forward to meeting our new cousin and celebrating with my boys and Debbie.

I'm hoping to go and visit at school at the end of the week and hear all the great things my kids are doing with their new teacher as well as catch up on the gossip!

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, changethe way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit

Heading into day 6 after chemo treatment #3 today.... Hoping my leg pain that has hit this day previously, doesn't join me. I felt some aches in it last night but so far so good.

I'm now a pro giving myself my little needle for my blood thinner. However, I use the word "pro" loosely. Nurses DO NOT need to fear for their jobs. I've had a couple mishaps that would cause a chuckle but I'm getting used to the process.

This week, I made contact with a specially certified trainer at Level 10 Gym to work with a breast cancer exercise group. Knowing the importance of exercise for my mind and body, I wanted to get moving but a little leery about my treatments, my leg pains, my medications, etc., I thought this would be a great way to do it effectively, properly, and safely.
I met a lovely young girl who seems to have a lot of knowledge and expertise in the area. She works closely with the physiotherapist at the Cancer clinic and knows what I need to prepare my upper body for my surgery. I will also get the chance to meet some ladies who have been through their own journeys and hear about all the great things I have to look forward to - first hand. ;)

Being one who likes to make the best of a situation, I also attended a focus group type discussion with the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation this week. My girlfriend, B. W. graciously accepted my invite to be my wingman. She is always willing to share her thoughts and outlook as well as has an eye for things I just do not.
Run by a firm from out of province, we were led through a series of questions to respond to in writing and then share with our small group. Most interesting was critiquing breast cancer resources, mapping out our journey individually and then as a group where we also noted the information we were seeking at each point and finally, writing a letter to a young woman.
I met some ladies again, who have successfully made it through the fight. One lady, who had the same treatment plan as I have and is 5 years post surgery, really encouraged me to attend as many types of these things as I could and surround myself with as many positive people as I could find. I couldn't brag to her enough about the support, encouragement, and help I've been given by friends, colleagues, acquaintances and total strangers.
My lifelong endeavour will be to return the favours, once I'm finished being slightly selfish and getting through this challenge.

"Getting old ain't for sissies." -My grandma, Marion Davison

Day 2 after chemo treatment #3. Might have been the roughest day yet yesterday but I'm feeling much better today. Very nauseous and weak but made it out of bed for soup last night. My back up team got Lukas to hockey, cleaned up every Christmas decoration, and kept the boys in the basement for a "camp out". I had a solid 9 hrs of sleep without any sweating or getting up for fluids. Yay!
I'm now injecting myself with a very small needle of the blood thinner I'm on to take care of the blood clot. Not exactly on my wish list but I'm getting it done.
Hoping to feel well enough to go outside with my boys today. It looks to be a beautiful winter day!

What is cancer?

Cancer is a disease that starts in our cells. Our bodies are made up of millions of cells, grouped together to form tissues and organs such as muscles and bones, the lungs and the liver. Genes inside each cell order it to grow, work, reproduce and die. Normally, our cells obey these orders and we remain healthy. But sometimes the instructions get mixed up, causing the cells to form lumps or tumours, or spread through the bloodstream and lymphatic system to other parts of the body.

(www.cancer.ca)

“To make 2013 your year, keep it simple: 1) Countyourblessings first 2) Whatever you did last year, Do it better 3) Gostepby step, One day at a time. 4) Create/make your own opportunities. 5)Believe in your abilities at all times, 6) Quitting is not anoption. Keep Going. 7) Finish what you started” ― Pablo

I like this list for me to start off the New Year. Counting my blessings, taking it one day at a time, and finish what I started.

My blessings are many... My very supportive family, my very loyal friends, and my very rewarding career.

The only thing I've ever wanted to do since I was 6 years old was be a teacher. Almost everything I do is because of, in support of, or is a result of me being a teacher. Often my husband has asked me, "If you could do any job in the world, anything you wanted, what would you do?" My answer is always : a teacher. 100%, without a second of hesitation: teacher.

When I started university my intentions were to teach grade 1. But when I started substitute teaching, I soon realized I would work everyday if I accepted jobs in grade 7 and 8. And once I got used to this adorable, challenging, hilarious, oppositional, loving, frustrating, loyal age group, I've dedicated my life to helping them grow and become good students and good people. I'm not a miracle worker, I'm not a "book smart" teacher with a ton of knowledge in one particular area, and I make many mistakes along the way. But it is who I am and what I do.

Knowing I'm not going to be at school for some time to be apart of the growth and the improvements of my kids is a hard pill to swallow. But this is one of those times I have to stop, catch my breath and get myself healthy before I can go back to doing what I love.

Sure, there are a few frustrations I won't miss. Like any job, there's some things I'd change and there are of course, some pretty bad days. But packing my stuff up and letting someone else officially take over is very, very, very tough. Not seeing the people who make me laugh everyday, who challenge me to be better, and who get my blood boiling like no other, makes me really sad. But if getting better for my own family wasn't enough motivation (and it pretty much is) packing up my stuff and handing over my keys (metaphorically, not literally, no one is getting them from me;) as the school gets ready for the second half of the year, is the last push I needed to get rid of this stupid disease.

There was a little bump in the road this week when I got a blood clot in my leg. I'm now on blood thinners to keep the blood flowing properly. Chemo therapy thickens your blood which can cause blood clots, but we were on top of it so everything is a go for treatment number 3 today. I'm looking forward to finishing what I started in 2012, taking it one day at a time, and knowing quitting is not an option.